i need some fresh air

The world is an odd place right?
What prevent us from being too stupid to se what's right in front of us? We just don't care, we prefer to be living the fake and happy illusion we arranged for ourselves, maybe that way we can be genuinely happy human beings, far from all the concerns related to love, work and most of all life in general.
Are we supposed to find someone just like us? Someone really different? Someone that randomly fell in our mind and that we can't just stop thinking about? Because it's easier to be in love than to believe we need to succeed alone, surrounded by the certain that the believe that someone else will actually be good for you, will try for you, will never replace you and will always pick you in the first place is just the most stupid lie, the most obvious lie we have to face day by day, endlessly till the rest of our lives.
Maybe i need some fresh air, why did i believe someone like that existed and raised the hopes that i would never be left behind?
Now i'm writing about it, it just sounds something so stupid to believe in.

You matter

I hate what i'm doing. I hate being through everything again, because i think my story can make the difference and help you not to do the same mistakes i did over and over again.
I hate to see you cry and i feel miserable when that happens because i can do nothing to avoid it, just stand by your side saying everything will be fine some day when we both know that probably that day will never come.
I hate our discussions about the subject, they're are useless, they don't matter at all, i realised that there's nothing i can do to make you change your mind.
How i hate him because of this, how stupid he is for giving away this chance, how blind you are to believe that things might come back some day.
So i shut up and listen, i hug you and i promise things will be better, time will fix you, but will you let it ?

Am i meant to be alone ?

It's a hard question, full of insecurities and wishes that probably will never come true.
I like to pretend that i'll be fine all by myself, and i can convince myself and the others of that, but sometimes it's not enough, and i end up being afraid that that's my real future, because i'm not good enough to make someone happy.
The truth is that i don't want to be alone, not now, not in the future.
It's so hard to see how i push people away, and that i do nothing to change it because i'm looking for a platonic love, romantic, out of the human being horizonts, only possible in thoughts i guess.
Or maybe this is something even more deep in my soul that i can't even admit to myself.
Why can't i realise any of my dreams ?

I can't take it anymore

I feel the water flooding my eyes, and like always i can do nothing to avoid it.
I'm afraid that my inability to stand up to your painful words, and to carry them with me everywhere i go without screaming how unfair they are is killing me and my future, because i can't do any of them right, i can't tell you how forced i feel by you and your polite insults that destroy my soul, because i'm afraid of the consequences, but i also can't be quiet about it, because my heart would beat out of my chest, full of the impatience i feel for telling you how hurted i'm am when you say i'm annoying, or even when you are so clear by your actions that you don't like me at all.
I don't want you to get upset because of me as i don't want to get upset by you.
The thing is that i held everything for so many time that i blowed, and now i can't explain you what i feel without getting you angry.
I guess right now i just crossed your line, like you crossed mine some months ago.
But i'll remain still and sick, because after all i realised i'm afraid of you.
And that's pulling me down.

Stop it

I'm so tired of being the bad girl, the annoying girl, the only one responsible for all the shit the others do.
It's not fair, never was, but now i'm sick of you.
Stop trying to make me feel bad, or to make me feel unpolite, or even a bad person beacuse i'm not.
Stop trying to make me feel like i'm guilty for being myself and let you make fun of me because i'm afraid.
That makes me feel sad.

I'm not someone else

Yell, yell when you want, wherever you want, with the people you want, but don't yell at me, because i won't be quiet listening to you, i'll tell to shut the fuck up, because i'm not the kind of person to remain still, listen and take everything, and you know it.
Yell at everyone you want to, but not at me, because i'm not the others and i won't forget or forgive you easily after that.
I'm going to talk to you tomorrow, and maybe things will become better than they are now, but they will never be the same again.

Hiding myself

I'm strange, at least, i think about myself as a strange person.
I have unusual thoughts about the world, about people, and although i shouldnlt, i do think a lot about everything. 
Usually i found myself in the middle of an unknown world, and by that i mean my head.
But i'm fine about it, i don't care about what most people think of me, but i'm afraid to feel and look as someone insane, and i guess that right now that's the only thing i do care about the opinion of the others about me.
That's why i keep a lot to me, because there are things that they will never get, there are things about me that none will ever understand or accept, and so it is better to keep it for myself, even when that is killing me inside, because i can't tell it to anybody without the fear of ending alone.
I just need to decide if i'm a coward or a human being, maybe i'm not the only one feeling this, i hope.
So i hide my face and pretend that everything is just fine, as always.